Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Hating My Starry Manicure, Hating My Life

I hate what I did to my nails yesterday.

It started with a seemingly good idea. I punched a whole bunch of stars out of vintage wallpaper.
But then something stupid inside me said "oh look, the paper is gold, white and black, I should paint my nails black." I used Ulta's "Little Black Dress" and tweezered the stars onto my still-wet nails. They looked like crap.
The stars were too big for my little nails and the black didn't sufficiently contrast with the black in the stars. I smudged up one of them and repainted it gold, thinking that might help. Why I thought repainting yet another non-contrasting color would help is beyond me. I wonder if the stars would look better on, say, red or some other color not in the wallpaper.
But instead of taking it all off, I sealed it in with a hearty layer of topcoat (Essie's "No Chips Ahead") and poked and prodded the stars down as they curled up then calmed down in the stickying drying polish.

I don't like myself very much right now, so of course I don't like my nails, and maybe I think I deserve it. The migraines have been better for over two months, and while I'm still in a side-effect stupor, I can do more on a daily basis than I could when I was in pain all the time. Between turning 30 in a few weeks and these new questions of if I'm capable of having a real life again, I realize just how much I don't have a life right now. I'm wasting my time away, and if I'm in pain constantly it's just something I have to learn to accept, but if I'm not in pain, what the hell am I doing? I'm going nowhere and doing nothing and I hate it, but I can't find the motivation to make something of my days. I fight myself enough just to exercise, do the laundry, wash the dishes (and I have a friggin' dishwasher). How do I find the inspiration and the desire to forge a new path, lunge forward, do something real?

Of course I hate my nails.

1 comment:

OrigamiGirl said...

Well tp start with you can always call the nails an experiment. You don't like them? You don't have to keep them. It's not like a bad haircut were it has to grow up. You like the idea but want to do it in different colours, so you can do that. I think the idea is great and not everything works first time. However there is no way you 'deserve it'. I know the feeling, but recovering from illness or depression takes time. I've been depressed lately since losing my job but I find the thing to do is reward myself for small achievements -done some laundry? Play a game. (Or your equivalent). I hope that you find motivation and things to enjoy in the mundane days.